Preparing for Panama: A Hard Day
As Smith and I have been preparing for over the last twenty months to make our move to Panama, I have felt nothing but joy and excitement. Another adventure!
The gypsy in me day dreamed about organic gardening, milking dairy goats with floppy ears, walking down the rocky tree-lined lane and giving back to the rural community in which we would live.
Yet today, I have melted down and have cried more tears than I have shed in
years, after a week long period of growing fear and panic in my decision about
In fact, it took me almost the entire seven days, to become in tune as to where the trepidation was coming from and then I realized it. It slapped me across the face, even as I was identifying and fingering what it was. (In this I apologize to my dear daughter and sweet son, for any upset I caused today. I love you both very much.)
I believe all of those feelings slowly started, oddly enough, after I received some of the best news I had ever been given: I was to be a grandmama!
I was quickly caught up in the dream.
I always had imagined of being there for my daughter during the pregnancy and after, as my Mother had been there for me, guiding me along a path that books, classes and videos can never totally prepare you for.
Wise woman wisdom.
Wisdom which is passed down from generation to generation, moment to moment, mother to daughter. Sweet and precious times, bonding all three generations together. A time where a daughter can look at her mother as an equal, as being a mother now herself, yet can now accept her instruction with grace, somehow mending the independent ways of her youth.
And as I watched my beautiful daughter and the joy she had in showing me pictures from an application on her iPhone of what the baby would look like in her womb right now and then what it would like the next day and the next… and how she flipped through the handmade calendar she had made marked clearly day by day, week by week, until the due date… and how she glowed as we talked about the list of baby names, she and her husband had put together and how she explained to me all the special meanings of each name… and on and on…. I was captivated with her enthusiasm and joy.
In just a few weeks, I watched my daughter utterly abandon herself with fierce passion to motherhood. I had never seen her so on fire about any other single subject or interest in her life before.
I knew as I listened to her and observed her, I wanted to continue to see her blossom and come into her own. I wanted to beam with pride over her. I wanted her to know I
was proud of her, (if perhaps she still had a question or a doubt of it in her
from the ups and downs of childhood).
And knowing that I could not have all the things, I had for so long set my heart on to share and experience with her, it just broke my heart.
Yet the the truth remains-
I know my daughter is going to be one of the best
of the best of mothers. She is in it heart and soul. (Plus she has the
support of a great husband.)
I also know I have to pursue my Panama adventure and give it a go. (For at
least one year because my husband is adamant and who knows what the Almighty has
in store for all of our family….)
And I know in my head, it will all turn out well (in spite of my wavering heart), even though it doesn’t exactly line up with my dreams of how I thought it would be during my daughters first pregnancy (but there is always phones, email, live chat, plane tickets… right?) … and the best part of all, is I am gonna be a
P.S. That is a picture of my daughter’s belly!
(Hello, little one inside we can’t wait to meet you!)
It is late here and I have had an exhausting day.
Good night dear ones.